I attempted to write an IGN Metal board fanfic when I was 16

I was looking through old documents I saved, when I came across this silly shit I wrote back then. It brought back some memories, so I thought I'd share it with you guys.




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X-pert74: I think I will go check out the Metal board.

X-pert74 typed in ‘bo’ in the address bar and clicked on the link to the IGN Metal board. Once he arrived, a group of people went up to him.

People 1: Hey did you hear that SYL is coming out with a new album?!?

People 2: I want Schuldiner in my rectum!

People 3: Oh, hey Kurt! Rust In Peace is the greatest Thrash Metal album ever!

X-pert74 clicked the red ‘x’ in the corner of his browser and went to his room to cry on his bed.

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X-pert74: I think I will go check out the Metal board again.

X-pert74 typed in ‘bo’ in the address bar and clicked on the link to the IGN Metal board. Once he arrived, he immediately went inside a thread titled “HAHAHAHAHA”.

Red-Headed-Freak: Hey guys, did you hear Darkthrone turned down a grammy? What a joke band :^O

X-pert74: Dude, go shit in your mouth. Darkthrone are not a joke band no matter how much you want to convince yourself that they are.

C.ghost: If they aren’t a joke band, then how coem they don’t play live? Anyone who’s serious about their music will want to play it live.

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X-pert74 went into the Metal board and saw a thread titled “Are Slayer any good to check out??”. He entered the thread.

Newb: Okay, so i heard this song called disciple and it was really extreme! Ive never heard anything more heavy than slipknot before now!! do they have any albums? what should I get first? Is it true slayer are trash metal???

YouFoolWarrenIsDEAD: Slayer are Speed Metal.

Newb: huh but how come they’re in the big 4 of Trash meal?!? And what would be a good album to get by them?

YouFoolWarrenIsDEAD: A good example of a Thrash Metal band is Mercyful Fate.

Newb: but how come Slayer are speed metal?!? And WHAT ALBUM WOULD BE GOOD TO GET!??????

YouFoolWarrenIsDEAD: Slayer are Speed Metal.

X-pert74: No, Slayer are not Speed Metal, and to claim that they are in any way, shape or form (unless you go by that ANUS definition) is to be a dickfelcher. Slayer are Thrash Metal, and a good starting album for them would be something like Reign In Blood or South Of Heaven.

Gooble74: Hey, did you guys know that if you read Kurt’s post in a voice like an Indian guy, that it’s really funny?

I'm assuming Red Headed Freak is abs

No, there was actually a user named Red-Headed-Freak. He always complained about black metal, saying it was a terrible genre and regularly bashing black metal fans for being elitist, while simultaneously talking about how dumb they are for liking inferior music, and failing to recognize his own hypocrisy.

Yeah. He wasn't even a troll to be a troll. He was just actually that grand a combination of closed-minded, mean and stupid.

Darkthrone are pretty much a joke

Fuck you for not including me.

I always found it funny that Red-Headed-Freak eventually started liking black metal. He went from being the guy that most consistently shit on the genre to being real fan over the years, of at least the stuff with better than average production. I don't think he ever quite reached the point of enjoying the stuff with rougher production like Darkthrone, though, but I might be wrong.

lol kurt

I'm sorry Bluge and Ab D: In my defense, this was a work in progress. If I had put more thought into other situations to write up, I'm sure you guys would have shown up too.

roughdraft_zero wrote:

Yeah. He wasn't even a troll to be a troll. He was just actually that grand a combination of closed-minded, mean and stupid.

He was definitely not a fun user to converse with.

jeffnogo wrote:

I always found it funny that Red-Headed-Freak eventually started liking black metal. He went from being the guy that most consistently shit on the genre to being real fan over the years, of at least the stuff with better than average production. I don't think he ever quite reached the point of enjoying the stuff with rougher production like Darkthrone, though, but I might be wrong.

Did he really? I know he liked the latest material of bands like Emperor and Dimmu Borgir, which arguably isn't black metal. Did he ever go beyond stuff like that?

Cghost21 wrote:

Darkthrone are pretty much a joke

Well, this was just around the time Darkthrone started to play more lighthearted music.