This thread will be a running journal for all the stupid/annoying shit my fuckhead roommate does

This guy is so fucking stupid it's unreal. Talking to friends I explain to them how literally EVERYTHING he says or does is on some level of stupid. They all laugh or sigh and say I'm exaggerating. Then I tell stories of the things he says and does and laugh again and say maybe I'm right. The main things about him are that he's very socially awkward (what makes that worse is that he's too stupid to realize it), and has near zero comprehension and retention skills. He's quite literally the dumbest person I know who can still formulate complete sentences, though there are times he can't even do that.

I'll start this thread off with background info on the guy and how I know him and eventually came to be his roommate, and then one story about some monumental shithead thing he did that finally made me want to make a thread/documentation of his antics. I may do some more stories and anecdotes that go back in time, but he does something freshly retarded everyday so I may not always have the time, strength, memory or even need to go back into the vaults like that. So here we go.

I met this dude in I think December of 2009, him being transferred to my Enterprise office. He initially came off as a socially inept but competent co-worker, though that latter characteristic was only because of my own ignorance to the job and company. See, I was only there for a few weeks by that time and he was going on close to two years. The whole design of the Management Training program we were in was to become an assistant manager within one year, yet he was still the same position as myself (Management Trainee) after nearly two years. Clearly he was doing something wrong. After sticking with the job and gradually learning the tools, policies and procedures of the job, I found it very obvious that there are many things that he has no grasp on. The more I work with him in a working environment when it's busy and things need to get done, the more I see that he can't be relied upon--not due to a lack of effort, but lack of ability. And on the slow days, when you're just kind of hanging out for long periods of time between customers and chatting amongst each other, I also find that he has no knowledge of pop culture in general, no knowledge on the use of proper vocabulary, a strange speech impediment that isn't a speech impediment at all but instead just him being too stupid to know how to properly think about what words he's about to say and how to pronounce them correctly, doesn't pick up on sarcasm or any allusions or references of nearly any kind, and just in general lacks a personality, yet he always thinks he's very personable.

That's about as much summarizing of him that I could do, really. I still left lots of things out that you'll pick up on just by nature of reading about the things he does.

So basically he was a mook and I kept working at Enterprise for six months then quit and never thought of him again. Or so I thought.

Back in November of 2010 I get a phone call from the dude. I promptly ignore it and go back to hanging out with friends and watching football lol. Then my mother calls me. I answer that phone call. She asks me if I know of a *douchebag's name* from Enterprise. I say yes. She says that he's going to rent a room at her house. I say get the fuck outta here. So I called him back and he confirmed; found her posting on Craig's List. He needed a place to stay because his fiancée, the dumb cuntrock that she also is, probably just found out how retarded he really is and said get the fuck out. So he did...to my mother's house . He was there for about two months, and then got news in late December that the foreclosure on my mother's house was going through in January, so he needed to find a place to stay yet again.

Cut to me: I'm in my place for nearly a year, and all the disagreements and problems I'd had with my roommate had for the most part dissipated and been forgotten/forgiven. But all those fights we did have still kind of made us realize that we weren't really the most compatible of roommates. Also, her roommate that was living with her before was more financially stable and decided she wanted to move back in, and I was becoming more financially unstable, so I knew I needed to find a cheaper place. All things working together meant that idiot fuckhead was my only viable option for a roommate. We moved in together on the 15th of January.






So last week we get a letter on our door saying that they need to spray for roaches. I go to the office and say what the fuck are you talking about we don't have roaches. They said that someone in our unit got them so they have to treat the whole unit. So because of some dirty mother fucker near us we have to go through all this. Bullshit, yes, but not something we could get out of it seemed.

The required preparations were to completely clean everything out of every nook and cranny in both the kitchen and bathroom. Then other small things like no clothes/personal items on the floor in bedrooms, closing all the windows, shutting off all fans and other circulatory units (a.c., humidifier, etc.). I think we got the notice on Tuesday or so, but naturally we still have to be busy with work and not to mention live in our apartment, so it's not really like we can just pack everything up right when we get the notice.

He had Army (yeah, another clue to his tooldom. He's in the fucking Army Reserve, lol faggot) stuff he had to do this weekend. He worked Friday til 5:30, and was planning to leave Saturday morning around 10. I told him he should do his stuff that night so that he doesn't have to worry about doing it later when he comes back from his Army shit on Sunday night, since he had to work on Monday morning. He didn't. I say fuck it, oh well, he better do his shit when he gets back. He gets back at about 8 at night on Sunday. He tells me, "Oh yeah, we still gotta do all that stuff for them to spray tomorrow, huh?" I tell him I work in the afternoon so I can do the kitchen and bathroom stuff, the biggest and most important stuff, by myself and that he just needs to do his bedroom stuff. He says ok. He then makes mac and cheese and instant mashed potatoes (lol who eats this shit? He eats like an impoverished seven year-old white kid from Alabama) in two pots on the stove, eats, leaves his shit on the stove and his plate near the sink (not even in it), goes the fuck to sleep, wakes the fuck up in the morning and goes the fuck to work. He didn't do one single fucking thing.

So I end up doing everything by myself. It takes two and a half hours. I send him a text message, telling him that I did it all and that I work late, kind of trying to nudge him to offer to to the putting shit back part, since I did everything on the front end. His exact response is: "Ok sounds im home normal time"




FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Ha ha. Wooooooo...

Looking forward to future installments.

tl;dr

Will read again.

Haha! In that case man tell him to put the shit away. If he doesn't only do yours and keep them away from him.

FWIW AOSI (and other stupid initialisms), mac 'n' cheese and mashed taters make for an awesome meal.

You just got owned by a retard.

I think I should proofread my posts more often when they're going to be long ones lol.

I also think that this is too deep a goldmine to be wasted only on you shitheads. I'm thinkin I should turn this into a blog.

Meh so he's lazy and knew you'd take care of that shit if he didn't. Sounds like you got played!

Too long, didn't read

Cliffnotes motherfucker

I read the whole thing.

A whole blog devoted to r_z ripping on someone in paragraph form?

Sign me up.

The dude sounds awesome. Why don't you get a cheapo Coby video camera and tape his dumb antics?

The Real World: Roughdraft

So I got home like less than twenty minutes ago. That means he's been home close to five hours. Is anything put away? No. Not a fucking thing.

Fuck it, fine. When we first moved in I went to work after bringing boxes in and he had the day off so he decided he was gonna put the dishes away and organize everything, and the way he did it all makes zero fucking sense. So tomorrow before work I'll be able to put shit away and organize the kitchen like a normal, functioning non-neanderthal would.

Abnormal Freak wrote:

FWIW AOSI (and other stupid initialisms), mac 'n' cheese and mashed taters make for an awesome meal.

Like I said, maybe for malnourished white trash like yourself, but even then, I just find anybody who uses INSTANT mashed potatoes, EVER, just fuck-all strange. Making real mashed potatoes is so incredibly cheap and easy, and tastes a million times better. But nearly everything this fucker eats comes out of a box, if not a can or a squeeze bottle (again, hearkening back to him being a child). He makes Pasta-Roni like three fucking times a week.

I don't mind instant potatoes. If I've got nothing else I'll make some. But I'm pretty sure your point isn't that it's his last option... but all he cares to do.

How to make mashed potatoes:

1) Cut potatoes up
2) Boil them until soft
3) Mash them

THE FUCK'S WRONG WITH PEOPLE?

But those would just taste like crushed potatoes. Needs flavor, gay.

I add a little salt while boiling and then butter and milk while smashin.

No pepper? I likes pepper.

garlic ftw!

Put cheese and chives in them potatoes.

Garlic-salt and Cinnamon. Fucking Cinnamon makes everything better!


I swear, it's good.

He called Liam Neeson "Liam Nielsen". He was talking about new movies coming out and asked me if I wanted to go with him tomorrow night (lol no, fag, right?). He even pulled up Fandango and read the description and said, "Unknown, starring Liam Nielsen," reading it directly from his computer screen and saying it incorrectly for a second time. Then he put it down and said, "I only would want to see that or The Fighter. Which would you rather see, The Fighter or the Liam Niel-, Nees-, Neeson..." I said, "Liam Nielsen?" He snaps his fingers and says, "Yeah, right, that's it, thanks. BOY THAT ONE'S A TONGUE TWISTER."

A TONGUE TWISTER HE SAYS

He'll twist his tongue right up your ass.

I was gonna say, "TONGUE TWISTER MORE LIKE FAG TWISTER"

Then I thought to myself, "Well, there wasn't really anything explicitly gay about that, just stupid. So maybe it should be 'Idiot Twister'." I fought with myself over and over and ended up with what's up there right now.